I was 8 years old in the backseat of our old Ford Freestar minivan, waiting for my mom to get out of the grocery store.
We had just got out of church a few minutes earlier and stopped at the grocery store right around the block on the way home to get some sandwich meat for lunch.
My dad was sitting in the drivers seat waiting for that moment when he’d clock my mom and race to pick her up at the front of the store. Me and my sister are sitting in the backseat; and I, loving the act of entertaining my family though not always willing to commit to the bit, began doing an impression of our pastor.
I grab the Bible, slam my hands on it and pump my chest out saying in full Billy Graham passion: “AND THEN GOD SAID…”
I did not always dream of being a preacher. There may have been moments as a kid where I pondered the idea but it was always more so a moment in time where when asked “what do you want to be when you grow up Austin?” I would respond by saying “a superhero who preaches.” Because I knew that I could not just be a “superhero”, I had to preach in order to be something worthy of God.
For a christian, you could not just be a christian by faith only, you had to serve and the only way to serve is to preach. So as I got older, superhero morphed into basketball player -to cartoonist- to animator- to architect but always while preaching at the same time in some way.
I even remember at the time where my dream was to be a basketball player in the NBA, I believed I would build a church for all of us famous people because at the time, I felt bad for celebrities who could not go to church because they were so larger than life. I believed I needed to become famous myself in order to create a place for them to worship God and hear the Gospel.
But here I am 25 looking back at when I was 13 or so; called to follow Jesus and answering with an “ABSOLUTELY!” And “AT ALL COSTS!”
When I answered that call, I was determined to share with others the miracolous Jesus I just came to experience firsthand.
When I became a christian there was only one option: to go make more Christian’s. And for shy Austin, that meant breaking out of my shell by whatever means necessary even starting a Bible study for 20 kids in my high school even though I had barely read the Bible myself.
Jesus changed my life with a responsibility that I could not shake.
“How could I, saved by God’s grace, not do whatever I can to share this good news with the hundreds of kids around me in my school everyday who otherwise would be lost for eternity?” I thought “I must make disciples, starting now not later.”
It should not have been of any surprise that a year or so later, I would feel a call to the ministry. Yet, that call felt like it would fade away as my freshman and sophomore years of highschool carried on.
Now, to be fair, I took the call serious. I taught a Bible study every Thursday night, I was at my youth group to be taught every Wednesday night, and I even got an oppunitry to drive 30 minutes away to another youth group once a month and to teach their youth routinely.
But this was all too much. And 14-15 year old me burned out fast.
I also started to question if I was really called to begin with. I had no idea how to write a sermon. No one taught me how to understand theology. I had no idea how to preach. And at the same time, as I looked back on my two years younger version of myself who had been called to preach, I began to wonder if that was just all emotion from a breakup.
You know how when someone goes through something so emotionally wrecking that they begin swearing to God that they will live differently. Every teenager goes through this. We go to these crazy high energy youth rallies, have our emotions played with and then re-dedicate our lives to Jesus for the 100th time. In my case, I just replaced the emotionally manipulative youth rally for my first real breakup.
Though I have never been quite certain what happened that day I felt called, crying over a girl, swearing my life to Jesus in hopes that this is just a moment in my life story that will be the turning point; by junior year I still could not shake the desire to preach, but also to do even more than that. There was an inkling.
By this time I had done a couple of internships at churches. No one really ever seemed to know what to do with me. For most men who are called the ministry, they drop what they are doing and go to seminary.
Yet here I was, taking Geometry. I could not go to Seminary, but I had a fire in me. A passion to give all of my life to Jesus no matter the cost. And I had to tell others about Him. I could not wrap my mind around how you could be turned from sinner to saint and yet remain where you are. I could not view the world the same yet, what was I to do?
So I served my church however I could. I learned as much as I could as fast I could. I was reading R.C. Sproul in highschool instead of playing Call of Duty like my peers. I did not listen to the new Kendrick Lamar album, I listened to Beautiful Eulogy explain deep theological truths over a beat. I did not watch Zac Efron in Neighbors, I sat at home devouring Matt Chandler sermons.
And here I was in my second internship, and thankfully my mentor at the time took me through a book called “The Minister as Shepherd” by Charles Jefferson.
This book gave me an alternative to preaching.
Growing up my view of a pastor was a man who solely preached. He spent all his time in the office, working on sermons. He was the best communicator of the congregation. So you can imagine my interest when I found out that a Pastor is really just a shepherd and preaching is but a glimpse into the work they do all throughout the week.
A pastor is a watchman. He keeps a look out for the sheep.
A pastor is a guard, protecting his sheep from the danger that lies beneath.
A pastor is a good shepherd that lays his life down for the sheep.
A pastor is a guide, who leads the sheep to the greener pasture.
At this moment, my desires made sense. I enjoyed preaching, but it was torturous as I was never taught how to do it. I never learned traditionally how to write a sermon. Not for lack of trying as I asked every preacher I knew what their process was. And every single one of them answered with a “I don’t really know how to explain it.”
But there was still this undying, nagging, love in my heart to care for the people of the church. Even people outside of the church. I wanted to invite them in, to be apart of the family. I did not want to leave anyone outside.
From the many talks I have had over the years with the various ministers in my life, they all have repeated this same idea that seminary did not prepare them for the tough parts of ministry. It did not prepare them for the heart wrenching side of counseling, or the long nights sitting at the bedside of someone being layed to rest.
But at 16, God was preparing me. Jesus over and over again taught me the need to be self-sacrifical as Jesus himself was. That was the ministry I wanted to sign up for.
I wanted the hard work. I wanted the work that would put me on my knees before God every day. And every day, I learned to do it the best I could with the people God had blessed me with.
But here I am, 25, looking around at men who were called to the ministry years later. They’ve only been serious about their call for 2 years max and I watch as one after the other becomes a Pastor.
And I watch year after year, as I do not.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“What did I do wrong?”
These are common thoughts that plague my mind.
I was the one who did not need seminary to digest Calvin or Luther.
I was the one who preached without a blueprint because I could not help my self.
I was the one who you never had to question if he would be at church that Sunday or at the golf course or at the beach.
When I say Jesus changed my life, I meant it. There was no going back and there was no compartmentalizing my faith to just ministry.
Over the years, out of my many pastors friends and mentors, I would be promised over and over again: “we’ll get you to come preach at our church so you can get some reps in.” And promise after promise, I was never put on the calendar to preach.
Time after time, I watched outsiders who did not love the church that I called home, given the opportunity to address the congregation. Time after time, I sat back and thought: “if you knew these people, you would know what they actually needed to hear.”
Yet here I am…Again.
Hearing of another guy, who when I was the dedicated servant of the church at 16, could not have cared less about the things of God. This man has years later become a full time pastor.
“What’s wrong with me?”
It is time I address what’s wrong with me.
Nothing.
Other than it is not God’s timing.
I do not understand it. It hurts over and over again.
But as Charles Jefferson says:
A shepherd he can become only slowly, and by patiently traveling the way of the cross.
Charles Jefferson( The Minister as Shepherd)
There have been countless times that I look at peers who do not love studying the Bible or theology.
Countless times that I look at peers who see people as projects and not as people, gifts of the Almighty.
And I am jealous. It seems that they got farther with less effort.
But here I am.
With the epiphany.
I am only 25. I am young. And if God wants to take longer to shape and mold me into the shepherd that he wants to me to be, then I must wait.
And that is good. Ministry is hard, and anyone who puts an 18 year old there should know what they just did to that kids life.
The pulpit can be a drug. The applause can warp your mind. And as Ryan Holiday famously says: “the ego is the enemy.”
I must lay my ego down. I must stop comparing where I am to where my peers are.
I must love the work before I ever receive the title.
And I should never be jealous of someone who has to confront the beast of ministry before they are ready.
I must thank God for easing me in slowly.
Comparison is truly the thief of joy. And I refuse to do ministry bitter.
So I openly will say:
Thank you God, for being patient with me. For protecting me from the evil one. And for allowing me to learn how to accept the things that I cannot change.
Austin Neil Gregory
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